Mabudachi One Shot File
by Death's Apprentices
Summary: This is where we will be sticking any stories concerning the trio that don't quite fit with our other story. These are not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Most of these stories were written by extremely sleep-deprived minds. Enjoy!
1. A Cold Glare and an Iron Fist

Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters mentioned here. All Fruits Basket characters belong to Natsuki Takaya; any other manga/anime characters belong to their respective authors.

Cold Glare and Iron Fist

Suddenly the lights flickered, and thunder and lightning struck. The lights blew out, but when the lights flickered back on, Hatori was standing on the teacher's desk wearing a tattered black cloak and holding a dark, twisted staff with smoke surrounding him.

"BEHOLD!!! I AM HATORI, ALMIGHTY SORCERER FROM THE WORLD OF DUCKY-TOPIA!!! I VOW THAT I WILL TAKE OVER THIS PRISON CALLED 'KINDERGARTEN AND RULE WITH A COLD GLARE AND AN IRON FIST!!!"

Lightning crackled, thunder boomed, and all the kids cowered in the corner, except for Ayame and Shigure.

"Whoo! I wanna be the bodyguard! Protect the package!!!" Shigure exclaimed, punching his fist in the air.

"Yay! Go Hatori!!" Ayame said happily, glomping Tori.

"Thank you." Hatori bowed once Aaya had let go. "You shall both receive lovely gift basket when I begin my rule." And with that, Kenshin had a heart-attack, and Hatori enslaved all the children, but made Shigure his bodyguard and Ayame his most trusted advisor.

A month later, Ayame suddenly remembered something from a month ago. "Hey, Hatori! You know, I never did get that gift basket you promised."

"Shush!" Hatori said, whacking him in the head. "I'm about to tell everyone that the statue of us they've been making for the past month is horrible and to rebuild it.

"PROTECT THE PACKAGE!!!" Shigure shouted, glomping them both.


	2. The Queen's Chair

Disclaimer: We do not own anything related to the manga/anime Fruits Basket.

The Queen's Chair

It all started one Sunday afternoon in Shigure's backyard. It was around 95 degrees outside, so the Mabudachi Trio had decided to go swimming in Shigure's pool.

Ayame had left to change into his swimsuit, so Shigure had gotten in and sat on one of those inflatable chair things (complete with cup holder, armrests, and large cushion for the head).

"Hey, I'm gonna go get my cigarettes. Try not to do anything stupid," Hatori said, going inside the house.

"Yes, sir!!" Shigure said as he gave Hatori the Hitler salute. Hatori glared at him. Shigure nearly wet himself.

Barely a minute after Hatori had disappeared, Ayame came back out. Shigure should have gotten out of the chair then

He didn't.

That was his first mistake.

"_**What!**_ Are you doing in _my_ chair?!" Ayame asked, stomping over to the pool.

Shigure looked at the chair he was sitting in and the beer in his hand. "I believe I'm drinking in the pool."

"I WANT MY CHAIR!!!" Ayame yelled, jumping in.

"Hey! No horse-play in the pool!" Shigure pointed at the sign:

_Welcome to our OOL._

_Notice there is no "P" in it._

_Please help us keep it that way._

"That says there's no "P" in pool!" Ayame tackled Shigure, making the beer spill all over them and in the pool.

"ALCOHOL ABUSE!!!" Shigure yelled at Aaya. "I'm reporting this to the police!" He started to climb up the ladder and out of the pool.

"Oh, no you're not!" Aaya said. He dragged Gure back into the pool, and then shoved him under water.

Eventually, Shigure got free (darn!) and glared coldly at Aaya. "You tried to kill me!"

Ayame smiled. "Why I did no such th—LET GO OF ME YOU SUNNUVA BI--!!" And with that parting comment, Ayame was shoved under water by Shigure, the Ruler of Doggy-topia in the Kingdom of Penguins.

And while Shigure was busy drowning Ayame, Hatori came back outside with a bottle of rum and his precious cigarettes.

"Hey, Shigure! You want a cig—….What the hell are you doing?" Hatori asked, raising an eyebrow.

Shigure instantly let of Aaya's head and did his best to look innocent. "I'm not doing anything!!" Ayame came up gasping for breath.

"HATORI!!!!!!! This bastard just tried to freaking kill me! And I didn't do anything!" Ayame scrambled out of the pool and ran to hide behind Hatori.

"…Did Shigure try to steal you chair?" Hatori asked calmly.

"Yeeeaaahh…But that still does not warrant drowning me!!" Ayame said.

Hatori sighed. "You're both idiots."

"BUT WE'RE **YOUR** IDIOTS!!!" Aaya and Gure exclaimed. Aaya glomped Hatori and Shigure splashed them both.

Hatori sighed again. "Shigure, let Ayame have the chair and I'll give you a cig."

"Oh! Cigarette! Gimme gimme!" Shigure said. He jumped out and ran to Hatori.

Ayame sat in his chair and cackled. "I control the King's Chair once again!!"

"More like the _Queen's_ Chair…drama queen."

"Huh…I kinda like that better…" Aaya said.

And so it became the Queen's Chair.


	3. After the Hangover

Disclaimer: We still claim no rights to Fruits Basket. At this point in this story, if you are still under the delusion that we do, you need some serious help.

After the Hang-Over

RING! RING! RING!

"Make the cricket go away…!" Ayame whispered/grumbled. He plugged his ears, but it didn't block out the telephone.

He opened his eyes to look for (and kill) the annoying 'cricket,' but only saw the phone (still ringing) across from him on the table.

After drinking for hours last night, Ayame had passed out on the couch, Hatori drifted off on the floor, and after streaking for 5 minutes, Shigure had dropped dead asleep on the stairs. Poor Shigure…

Anyway, back to the cricket-phone thing.

Ayame grabbed the phone and clicked it on. "Hello?"

"_Hello, is Sohma Hatori there?"_

Ayame stared at Hatori. He was still sleeping. "I'm sorry, but he's …uhh…well he's kinda sleepin'…"

"…_Can you wake him up…?"_

"I don't fell the need to make a death wish, thank you," Aaya said, shrinking back into the couch and away from Hatori.

"_Well, can I leave a message for him?"_

"Sure thing. Hang on a sec…" Aaya looked around and saw a pen on the table. He reached for it, but came up short.

He grabbed a random backscratcher and tried again, but ended up pushing the pen off the table and onto Hatori.

The pen hit Hatori in the head, and Aaya held his breath, waiting for Hatori to wake up.

Hatori did wake up! He looked at the pen, then at Ayame, who was shaking in fear, looked around for Shigure, shrugged, then passed out again.

"_Hello? Hellooooo!? Are you still there?"_

Yeaaahhh…I…uh…I found a pen…" Aaya said.

"_Alright. Well, write this down. My name is Steven Spielberg, and I need to know if Hatori would like a part in the new movie I'm making, _Curse of the Zodiac_ and –"_

"Wait! How come Hatori gets to do it?! And how do you spell Spielberg" Ayame asked, writing all this down on the air in front of him.

"_S-P-I-E-L-B-E-R-G…And I don't have to explain myself to his maid or whatever you are."_

Ayame reeeaally wanted to hang up on him, but he didn't. "I'm his cousin, asshole…"

"…_Oops? Anyways, have him call me at () - , okay. If he does, I might let you be in the movie, too!"_

Okay!! Thanks, Mr. Spielberg! Oh, and you might want to call back later!" And with that, Ayame hung up. "I really wish I could've written that down. I already forgot the number…"

About 2 hours later, Hatori woke up for real. "Ayame, who were you on the phone with earlier?" He asked.

Ayame was instantly excited. "You'll never believe it!! Steven Spielberg called and he said that he wanted you for this new movie he's making!!"

Hatori raised an eyebrow. "Seriously. Then, what's it called?"

"_Curse of the Zodiac_, I think," Aaya said.

"Uh-huh…and did he leave a number so I can call back…?" Hatori asked.

"Yeah, but I couldn't reach the pen, and I didn't want to get up 'cause I was tired, so I wrote it in the air so I wouldn't feel guilty, but I can't find where I wrote it…" Aaya looked around for it again, but still couldn't find it.

Hatori stared at him before asking, "You got stoned while I was asleep, didn't you?"

Before Aaya could answer, the phone rang again. He answered it. "Hello?"

"_Hi, it's Steven. Is Hatori up yet?"_

"HATORI!!! IT'S STEVEN! See? I told you so."

Hatori took the phone and …………………………………………………………………. ………..$(())&

Hung it up.

"HATORI!! What're you doing?!" Ayame yelled.

"I figure you paid some idiot so you can try and trick me. Just because I have hangover doesn't mean I'm stupid." Hatori replied.

"But – but – but…! He said I could be in it too!" Aaya whined.

"Shut up." Hatori ordered. Suddenly, Shigure came running into the room (don't worry, he's got pants).

"Hey guys! OMG, I just got casted for a movie by Steven Spielberg!! Whoo! Hollywood babes, here I come!!" Shigure yelled in triumph.

Ayame broke down sobbing, and Hatori banged is head into the wall repeatedly. "What'd I say?" Shigure asked.


	4. This One Time

Disclaimer: If you haven't figured this out yet, there's nothing we can do about it, so here is a random story that popped into Death-Tori's head during the writing of this thing: Ther once was a man with no hair. As a joke, all of his friends called him Fuzzy. Well, one day, he was bit by a werewolf...So, now, once a month, he lives up to his nickname and attacks all of his friends making them all fuzzy with him. Unfortunately, he lives in California with all the wildfires, and he was caught in one and all of his hair was burnt off. Once again, Fuzzy is not fuzzy...THE END...

Now to your regularly scheduled program...

"This One Time…"

((Your computer has just been hacked by irisSeamStress73. Uploading incoming data.))

……

Your screen is now showing a video with High School Ayame waving 'hi' at you. Don't you feel _special_?

"Hi, everybody! I'm sure you are all wondering how I, Ayame Sohma the wonderfulness, could have hacked your computer?!" Ayame says. Well, I can't tell you that, cause I'm not sure how either.

"MOVING ON!!! I've taken over the internet to tell you all a story!!" Aaya exclaims happily, clapping his hands. "So anyways, this one time at band camp…!"

Ayame is cut off because the door to his room suddenly get flung open to reveal Shigure and Hatori.

"Hey there, watcha doin?" Shigure asks, coming over. He pokes the camera and looks at Aaya. "You aren't doing some internet porn thing, are ya?"

Somewhere in the back, Hatori smacks himself in the face.

"Nah, that was _last_ week, remember?" Ayame jokes as Hatori's head whips in their direction so fast, you can safely assume he damn near gave himself whiplash. "I'm just telling everyone about that one time when we were in band camp!"

"Oh, yeah! That was HILARIOUS!! I wanna tell them the story!" Shigure says as he shoves Ayame out of the computer chair.

Shigure turns to the camera and smiles. "Alright, so you should all know that I play the tuba, Hatori plays the snare drum, and Aaya is—"

Ayame's face appears barely 3 inches away from the screen. "I'm in Color Guard! That means I spin flags!!"

"Shut up!" Shigure yells. "I'm telling the story!!"

"No, I am!!" Ayame shrieks, killing your eardrums.

"DIE, FOOL!!!" Shigure pounces on Ayame. The screen goes fuzzy and is eventually replaced by the image of a koala eating leaves.

Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Fart. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Fart. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Che – choke, cough cough cough dies….fart.

The screen goes back to the trio. Ayame is now tied to a chair in the back, with duck tape covering his mouth. Hatori is next to him holding up a sign that says 'Surrounded by idiot. Please send help scotch AMMO!'

Shigure clears his throat. "Sorry about the koala. It wasn't supposed to fart like that. Anyways, this one time at band camp, we were all getting ready for a football game and the color guard girls were changing in the locker room while Aaya was in the Guard room cause the guard girls don't exactly know that Aaya is a guy yet… and I snuck into the Girls' locker room and I got to see them all get changed and get naked 'n' stuff!!" Shigure does a little happy dance while humming a happy tune.

Unfortunately, Shigure doesn't notice that Hatori has freed Ayame and Ayame is now creeping up behind Shigure with a baseball bat.

Ayame cracks Shigure upside the head, but the bat ends up bouncing off Shigure's head and Smacking Ayame in the forehead, knocking them both out.

Hatori walks back into view with a roll of green duck tape and two lengths of rope. He then proceeds to tie his two cousins together before taking a seat in the now-empty computer chair.

"Now," he begins, "before those two idiots wake up and try to corrupt your minds, let me tell you what really happened that day at band camp…" Hatori leans back and props is feet up on the desk before lighting up a cigarette. "It all started when…"

Hatori picks up a wire that has the words 'mind transmission: insert in left ear' and looked at it a moment before jamming it into Ayame's left ear.

Images of new clothes for Ayame's shop and a few select men wearing the clothes flash on the screen briefly before Hatori pulls the wire back out and shoves it into Shigure's ear. Before the images come into focus, Hatori yanks it out of Shigure's ear.

He sighs before sticking it in his own ear.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

"Hey, Tori-san!" Ayame yelled, waving at Hatori from across the room He then ran over and pounced on Hatori, knocking him into the unfortunate flute player behind him (Kurogane).

As he stood up, Hatori looked around the room for his other obnoxious cousin. "Ayame, where'd Shigure go?"

Ayame looked around, surprised. "I don't know. He was right behind me when I walked in. Maybe he's getting his uniform?"

Hatori doubted this, as Shigure usually waited until the last possible instant (30 seconds before the band directors told everyone to line up to march out) before getting his uniform.

He decided that he had no choice; he had to find Shigure. Hatori checked the entire band room and all of its little side rooms, all the bathrooms (he sent Ayame into the girls' ones).

Eventually he decided that he would look for Shigure after he and Ayame had put on their uniforms.

Since Ayame was a flag, he got changed in the Color Guard room while Hatori got his uniform from the uniform room. The Guard room had a large window, so that is you were tin the uniform room, you could see anyone who happened to be in there at the time. In this case, Hatori was able to see Ayame, though he was busy trying to figure out who the f—k took his shoes.

While Hatori searched for his missing shoes, several things happened that would later be his downfall.

The first was that three of the tubas (Shigure not among them) decided to put their tubas in the middle of the hallway, which mad the only way out through the door which led into the school.

The second was that drama happened to be carrying around their sets outside that very door. The ones carrying the heaviest piece got tired and rested it against the door before walking away. That door was now _useless_.

The third thing that happened was that the band directors, Akatsuki-sensei and Hanabusa-sensei, locked the other door out of the uniform room from the outside.

Hatori was _TRAPPED_.

Unfortunately, he didn't seem to realize this yet. But Ayame did. And he was going to use it to his advantage…

When Hatori emerged from the lost-and-found- shoe pile with his shoes and turned around, he was met with a sight he wouldn't soon forget: Ayame with his back half-bare, looking back at him over his shoulder, staring at Hatori with an expression usually saved for Shigure.

As Ayame started to slowly lower his shirt the rest of the way, Hatori reached for the handle to the back door of the uniform room, finding it locked. Cursing and averting his eyes from Ayame lowering his pants and presenting Hatori with a view of his hot pink briefs, Hatori tried going out of the uniform room and down the hallway, to find it blocked by three tubas. He didn't even bother trying to open the door to the rest of the school, seeing the blockage through the small window.

When Hatori turned back towards the Guard room window to see if Ayame was done yet, he found the room empty except for a pile of discarded clothes and the door to the Guard room and the back door to the uniform room both wide open.

_Oh, shit…_Hatori thought. Deciding he really didn't want to see just where his cousin had gone, he leaned back against the wall and slid down until he was sitting in the fetal position. He then proceeded to bang his head against the wall repeatedly.

In the meantime, Shigure was still being his perverted self, watching the rest of the Color Guard get dressed in the girls' locker room. They were almost fully dressed by now, and somehow they still hadn't noticed him peering over the stall marked 'Out of Order'…yet…

One of the girls glanced up from tying her boots, saw him and did a double take. Shigure ducked down before she could draw attention to him. He heard the girl exclaim, "I swear he was there! He was staring right at me! Look, I'll show you!" Shigure backed into the farthest former of the tiny stall, expecting the door to be flung open…

So when the tennis shoe flew over the stall and hit him on the head, Shigure was completely taken by surprise and let out a squeak.

"See? I told you he's there!" The girl said smugly.

"Let's check again…" another girl said.

Shigure covered his head in fear and got an unpleasant surprise when the other girl threw a shoe up at him from under the stall, hitting him where the sun don't shine.

"Shit!" Shigure yelped, falling backward. Unfortunately, he was in a bathroom stall, so there was but one place to fall…

SPLOOSH!!!

All was quiet before one of the girls said, "Ew…did he just fall in the _toilet_?!"

"Let's look!!" said the girl who'd thrown the first shoe.

The stall door opened to reveal 22 angry (and amused) Color Guard girls.

A girl stepped forward, punching her open palm. "You are so DEAD…"

"Not the face!" Shigure whimpered, covering his face as they came toward him.

WITH AAYA (where ever he went)

Several football players and cheerleaders were walking through the hallway, heading for the doors so they could get to the football field. They were talking amongst themselves when all of a sudden…

"HIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!! GUESS WHAT?! I FUST DID A STRIP-TEASE FOR HATORI SO I COULD RUN AROUND THE SCHOOL NAKED AND I STOLE A MOUNTAIN DEW AND CHUGGED IT DOWN SO I WOULD BE UNATTAINABLE, SO LOOKATMENOW!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ayame screamed in one breath with a grin. Then he started to spin like Tasmanian Devil while holding a very, very shiny spoon. "YOU ARE MY SUUUUUNSHIIINE! MY ONLY SUNSHINE!! WHEN I'M DEWED UP, I AM INSAAAANE!!!!!!!!"

The other students backed away slowly. "Uh…let's go the other way…" In a flash, they bolted in the other direction.

"Wait for me!" Aaya said, stumling around dizzily.

Somehow our dear, hyper, naked, and dizzy Ayame ended up in front of the school…more importantly, in front of the principal and the vice principal…

"OH MY GOD!!" Vice Principal Botan exclaimed. "What happened to you?!"

Ayame looked down at himself to see what was wrong. Apparently during his trip to the front of the school, he'd managed to bruise himself up quite a bit. And his beloved spoon was now slightly bent.

"Damn kid, did you get raped or something?" Principal Ushitora asked, lighting up a cigarette.

If it had been any other day, Ayame probably wouldn't have done anything about that comment. But today, he'd had Mountain Dew and dammit! He was gonna do something!!!

Aaya turned on the waterworks. "Y-yes! I g-got raped!" he cried.

"What?!" Ushitora sputtered, choking on his cig.

"Who raped you?" VP Botan asked.

Fortunately, the football coach happened to pass by, heading for the bathroom.

"The football team r-raped me w-with a…a…" Ayame thought about what kind of object he should have himself raped with. He looked at the spoon in his hand, then looked outside and saw a gardener with a shovel.

_Which one? Which one?!_ Aaya thought, looking between the two. Spoon…SHOVEL! Spoon SHOVEL Spoon SHOVEL Spoon SHOVEL Spo—

What did they rape you with?" Botan asked concernedly.

"THEY RAPED ME WITH A SHOVEL!!!" Ayame shouted.

Botan screamed, "Call the police! And an ambulance for this poor…" When she turned to look at Ayame, all she found was a bent spoon.

Ushitora sighed. "Today has been REALLY f-cked up…"

HATORI

Hatori stopped banging his head against the wall when he heard what sounded like a stampede of buffalo. Looking through the little window, he saw Shigure being chased by the entire Color Guard (including naked Ayame), half of whom were carrying their rifles and/or sabres, while the other half were wielding their flag poles like clubs.

Hatori opened the door as Shigure was about to run past. Shigure ran into the open door and fell flat on his back. As much as he thought Shigure deserved it, Hatori couldn't leave his cousin to face the wrath of 22 angry teenage girls with weapons…and Ayame, so he dragged the unconscious boy through the door, before he was trampled, and locked it.

When the girls stormed off to go through the bandroom doors and into the little hallway, Hatori quietly opened the door and peered around it… and there was Aaya in all his naked glory, staring right back at him…

Hatori slammed the door in Ayame's face, thought about it for a second, then decided that everyone was safer in the Guard room. He opened the door into the hallway, grabbed Ayame, and dragged both of his cousins into the Guard room, locking the door and throwing Ayame's clothes at him "Put you clothes back on."

END FLASHBACK

Your computer screen shows Hatori again, loaning back in his chair, smoking a cig, with his eyes closed.

In the background, Shigure and Ayame have managed to free themselves from their duct tape ties, and are now slowly creeping up behind the sleeping Hatori.

As they pounce on Hatori, all three of them (and the chair) fall forward towards your screen.

Your screen shows a mass of static before going completely black…..

Then a picture of a half-rotted zombie koala eating leaves appears on your screen.

Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Fart. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Fart. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew. Chew.

THE END


	5. Instant Messaging Mayhem

Disclaimer: We own nothing but our notebooks and the ideas that pop into our heads.

Instant-Messaging Mayhem

(FurbyMastah18 has logged on at 1:50 a.m.)

(I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL! has logged on at 1:51 a.m.)

FurbyMastah18: hey! who r u?

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: I AM A FLAG, STOOPID!

FurbyMastah18: That wasn't very nice.

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: SORRY, BUT ISH TRUE!

FurbyMastah18: Stop writing in caps!!

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: Ok! -glomp-

FurbyMastah18: hey, u want 2 go out?

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: …

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: Shigure, you **DO** know who I am right?

FurbyMastah18: A HOTT GRL…how'd u no my name?!

(YouWishYouKnew has logged on at 1:56 a.m.)

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!

YouWishYouKnew: Shigure, you sick _bastard_.

YouWishYouKnew: Hey Ayame.

FurbyMastah18: Hey, I got a friend name ayame! and hi hatori

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: …

YouWishYouKnew: …idiot.

FurbyMastah18: Wait…OMG! UR AAYA!!

YouWishYouKnew: -facepalm-

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: -same thing-

FurbyMastah18: OMFG, WHY U CHANGE UR NAME?! I THOT U WERE A HOTT GRL!!!!

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: Remember last year?

FurbyMastah18: …wah happen?

YouWishYouKnew: He hacked into peoples' computers (somehow) and started up that live video feed from his room and told a story. We were there.

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: Yeah, the FBI tried finding me, so I changdeded meh name.

FurbyMastah18: o…sry Aaya

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: ish ok. I'm still hott.

FurbyMastah18: Hells yeah! XP XD

YouWishYouKnew: …you just killed my brain.

(YouWishYouKnew has logged off at 2:02 a.m.)

FurbyMastah18: what we say?

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL!: NNNNOOOOO!!!!!! COME BACK TORI-SAN!!!! -runs to Hatori's house-

(I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL! has logged off at 2:03 a.m.)

FurbyMastah18: …we all know what's gonna happen now…

(YouWishYouKnew has logged on at 2:05 a.m.)

YouWishYouKnew: HIIIII SHIGURE!!!

FurbyMastah18: -sigh- hi aaya.

YouWishYouKnew: GRR! IMMA BIG SCARY MONget the hell out of my house Ayame!!! Shigure, I'm going to kill you for not stopping him.

FurbyMastah18: What teh hell did u xpect me 2 do?

YouWishYouKnew: I don't k;lakgjas gfsdyuf gtrfs I'M BACK!!!!

FurbyMastah18: Wtf?

YouWishYouKnew: I KINDA PUSHED TORI OUTTA THE CHAIR AND SHIGURE HELP HE'S GOT ME!! Giopasklgnlknv;sjkdhasnglk;shdg;h

FurbyMastah18: …I'm kinda afraid 2 ask but what happened?

YouWishYouKnew: I threw him in the closet, where he belongs…

YouWishYouKnew: Crap! Hurry and get over here; he's busting down the door.

FurbyMastah18: Hah…u wish.

YouWishYouKnew: You bastarda;kghaoiuetr nerl23#J5qow8foislkg;asyu89gfSY HI SHIGURE!! ISH ME AGAIN! HEY!

YouWishYouKnew: GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESSWHATGUESSWHAT?!?!?!

FurbyMastah18: …is Hatori still alive…?

YouWishYouKnew: Yah. I kinda sitting on him right now.

FurbyMastah18: …ur screwed

YouWishYouKnew: I know, but it's ok cause he''''';lakdjfrrrr HELP!!! Hatori GOTT ME!! AYAME I'LL KILL YOU!! GIVE ME MY SHOE! NEVERRRR AH MY FACE!

(YouWishYouKnew has been disconnected.)

FurbyMastah18: O.O' okkkk then…I'm goin 2 bed…

(FurbyMastah18 has logged off at 2:30 a.m.)

Author's Notes: In case you are having problems figuring it out:

FurbyMastah18 -- Shigure

I'M-A-FLAG-GIRL! -- Ayame

YouWishYouKnew -- Hatori


	6. Shigure's Got a DATE!

Disclaimer: Not sure why we still do this...oh well, here goes: WE DON'T OWN IT!!!!

(This is also a high school ficlet)

Shigure's got a DATE!!!!

"AAAAAHH!!" Ayame exclaimed. "I'm so BORED!"

He and Shigure were sitting inside of a McDonald's, eating lunch. Shigure was reading a magazine, completely ignoring poor Aaya, and Hatori had supposedly 'gone to the bathroom,' but that had been an hour ago.

Hmm…Either the toilet came alive and ate him, or that ass frickin ditched us… Shigure thought, glaring at the bathroom door.

"I NEED EXCITEMENT!!" Ayame practically yelled, snapping Shigure out of his world. Aaya turned to him and clapped his hands. "Dance for my amusement, slave!"

"I'm not your man-slave! Away with you!" Shigure rolled up his magazine and bopped Aaya in the head.

Ayame noticed the cover of the magazine and snatched it. "Whee! This'll do!" the magazine said 'The Romantic Outdoors: Romantic Camping with your Girlfriend!'

Ayame flipped idly through the pages while Shigure checked out some girls who'd just walked in. "Y'know, these are actually some good ideas. Too bad Gure-san doesn't have a girlfriend…"

Shigure glared. "That's because everyone here probably thinks you're a girl and my girlfriend…"

Aaya shrugged nonchalantly. "Whatever. I still don't see the point of you reading this if you don't even _have_ a girlfriend."

Just then, a girl with hair as long as Ayame's wearing a high school outfit came up to their table. "Hi there, cutie! What's your name?" she asked Shigure.

Shigure blinked, pointing at himself. "Me?"

The girl giggled. "Yes, you, silly!"

"I'm Sohma Shigure. Any who are you, gorgeous?" he asked smoothly.

Another giggle. "I'm Koto. I know it's kinda sudden and all, but are you available?"

Shigure jumped out of his seat in excitement. "Hell yeah!"

Koto giggled more. "That's great! Say, you wanna go camping tonight? I hear it's REALLY fun!" She winked at him.

Shigure was grinning like a maniac. _This! IS! PERFECT!!_ Out loud, he said, "Sure, I'd love to go camping with you!" He gave Ayame a triumphant look as he said this. "What time, Koto?"

"Um, how's about we meet at the Nature Village Camping Site in Okutama at 9:00?" Koto asked.

"Great!" Shigure said. "I'll see you there!"

"Kay! See ya tonight, hot stuff!" Koto said, kissing Shigure on the cheek before running off.

Shigure sighed, staring dreamily after her. Aaya cleared his throat, getting Gure's attention.

"What?"

"I believe that Koto person you just made a date with is a male," Aaya said, matter-of-factly.

Shigure laughed. "You're just jealous I have a girlfriend and you don't!!"

Aaya shrugged, going back to looking at the magazine. "Fine, but don't come crying to me when you get raped by a guy pretending to be a girl."

"Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go brag to everyone I know that I've got a date with my _girlfriend_!" Shigure said. And with that, he grabbed his magazine back and ran off to do just that.

-----9:00, at the Camp Site-----

"Hey, Gure-sama! Over here!" Koto called to 'Gure-sama.' She already had a tent set up and a fire going, complete with chocolate, graham crackers, and a bag of marshmallows.

_This is GREAT!_ Shigure thought. _I'm in the woods ALONE with a hot chick, and I have SMORES! What could possibly go wrong?_

----- 9:15, at Hatori's house -----

Hatori sat in his quiet room, quietly doing his homework. All was nice and quiet in the house and he'd ditched Shigure and Ayame at a McDonald's and was free of their stupidity for an entire day. Nothing could ruin his day…er…night…

"TORI-SAN!!!!" Ayame shouted, busting down the door to Hatori's room.

Hatori sighed, putting away his homework. _It was fun while it lasted…_ he thought.

"What do you WANT, Ayame?" he asked. "And did you really need to bust down my door?"

"No, I didn't. But I need you help! Gure-san's in danger!!" Ayame said.

"Unless he robbed a bank or killed a government official, then get out of my room," Hatori said, going back to his homework.

"It's worse than that!" Ayame cried. "He has a GIRLFRIEND!!!"

Hatori remembered how he'd checked his voicemail earlier and heard Shigure rant about having a girlfriend named Koto. "Yeah. I head. So what?"

"Because Koto is really…" Ayame paused for dramatic effect. "A MAN!!!"

Hatori stared down at his work, wondering if he even wanted to know. In the end, curiosity beat the shit out of common sense.

"Alright, I'm interested. _Why_ do you think this Koto girl is really a man?" he asked.

"'She' has an adam's apple, and I could see 'she' was packin under the skirt," Ayame stated, flat out.

Hatori was quiet for a few minutes, before saying, "How the hell did you see up the skirt?"

"I went under the table and looked up under it while they were talking," Ayame said, as if he did that sort of thing everyday…and he probably did.

"SHIT," Hatori said, getting up. "Let's go get him before he gets an unpleasant surprise."

"Okay!" Aaya said. They walked out the door and to Hatori's dad's car. "I WANNA DRIVE!!!"

"No." Hatori whapped his cousin in the head and got behind the wheel.

-----9:30, at the Camp Site-----

Aaya and Tori got out of the car. Ayame cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Gure-san! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Silence. Then,

"Hey, look I found his shoes," Hatori said, picking up said shoes out of a bush.

Farther ahead, Ayame exclaimed, "I found his shirt! Awww! They're doin somethin naughty!!" he said accusingly.

"Hmm…let's hurry before Shigure ends up having sex with him," Hatori said, wlking on ahead.

They saw a tent and a campfire that had been put out, and headed towards it.

Just in time to see Shigure blast out of it, screaming and naked.

"HOLY SHIT!!! AAYA WAS RIGHT, YOU REALLY ARE A GUY!!!" Shigure screamed in horror, and in a somewhat girlie-voice/scream, while pointing back at the tent.

Koto came out of the tent, also in the nude, which revealed that this long-haired, sailor-uniform-wearing girl was really actually a guy!!

"Oh, come _on_! Didn't you parents ever tell you to try new things?" Koto said, this time in a distinctly male voice. "I'll even let you be seme!"

Ayame and Hatori were hiding in a bush, watching the other two boys.

"Yeah, Gure-san does seem like he'd be on top with Koto…" Ayame muttered to himself. Hatori whapped him in the head…again. "Hey! I'M GONNA GET BRAIN DAMAGED CAUSE OF YOU!!" He jumped out of the bush in outrage.

Shigure and Koto turned to face them. Shigure face lit up in joy, and he ran towards them. "OH THANK GOD! Get me out of here! Where'd you guys park?!"

They all ran off, back to the car, with Koto following close behind.

The trio jumped into the car with Hatori driving, Ayame in shotgun and Shigure in all his nakedness in the back.

"Drive. Drive! DRIVE!!" Shigure yelled, thumping the head of Hatori's seat.

Hatori flicked him off, started up the car, and started driving away. As they drove off, they could hear Koto shouting, "That's not fair! I saw him first, you thieves!!"

For about 5 minutes, everyone was quiet, though Ayame was bouncing in h is seat for some unknown reason.

Shigure cleared his throat. Ayame turned around to look at him, and Hatori, like a good little driver, kept his eyes on the road.

"What?" Aaya asked.

"Let's never talk about this again," Shigure said.

"Kay," Ayame began. "But first…I WAS RIGHT, AND YOU WERE WRONG! Neener neener neener!!"

Shigure turned red and glared at the back of Aaya's head until he was done. "Okay, NOW let's never talk about this again."

"Actually, I have something to say, too," Hatori said, glancing in the rear-view mirror.

"What?" Shigure snapped.

"How could you not tell that that was a guy?"

Shigure opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He snorted/grunted at Hatori before settling into a corner in the back seat and glaring out the window. Then he muttered something that sounded like "Butt-face-know-it-all…"

THE END


	7. Mountain Dew

Disclaimer: Yeah, we still don't own anything. But we're working on fixing that problem... So far all we have to our names is a case of Mountain Dew (That Death-Tori has hidden from Death-Aaya for obvious reasons.

God created man. He gave man the power to create as well. So, what did man choose to make? Some alternative source of energy? A cure for cancer? A way to go back in time? No. Man made Mountain Dew.

Those fools…those damn fools…They have no idea what they've unleashed upon an unsuspecting world…

--In the school, with Shigure--

Shigure was almost dead on his feet that morning. Ayame had kept him up on the phone until 4:30 in the morning, and Hatori had woken them both up at six. What a cruel world…

So, what was he going to do a bout it? Well, at the moment, he was standing in front of a soda machine, debating which caffeinated drink to get.

"Okay, I can get Coca-cola, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, water, or…What the hell is Mountain Dew?" Shigure mused. He'd never heard of this kind of soda before, but he was willing to try it.

Almost immediately after he got his Mountain Dew and opened it, Ayame came bouncing up to him.

"Good morning, Shigure! And how are you this wonderful day?" Ayame asked, smiling without a hint of tiredness.

"You kept me up until 4 in the fucking morning; how do you think I—" Ayame cut Shigure off before he could finish.

"Hey, what are you drinking?" Ayame asked, grabbing the Mountain Dew. "Hmm…What does dew from a mountain taste like?"

"I don't know; you took it before I could—"

He was cut off again.

"Then I will test this beverage for you, in case some evil villain has poisoned it!!" And with that, Ayame Sohma chugged half the can of Mountain Dew.

At first, nothing happened. Ayame stood stock still while Shigure watched him. After about 30 seconds, Ayame started to shake and bounce a little.

"Hey, what's gotten into you?" Shigure asked, taking the empty can of Dew from his cousin.

"SUGAR!!" Ayame burst, jumping so high in the air that he hit his head on the ceiling. Then, acting much like the roadrunner form Looney Tunes, he took off down the hallway, leaving dust and knock-over students in his wake.

Shigure stared after him, wide-eyed and confused. Then, he held up the can of Dew and looked at the nutrition facts.

Other than learning that Mountain Dew had caffeine, he realized that he had allowed Ayame to have a drink with 58 grams of sugar.

_Forty-six grams_, Shigure thought. _Forty-six fucking grams of fucking sugar._

He sighed and started walking the way Ayame had gone. "Hatori is so gonna kill me…"

--Elsewhere in the school--

Sarah sighed. She was a brand-new exchange student and she'd somehow already gotten lost.

"Oh, well. At least my friends aren't here to keep me from drinking this!" She shouted victoriously, holding up a can of Monster.

Right after she opened it, she saw a strange cloud of dust heading in her direction. When it got closer, she realized that it was some crazy-looking silver-haired she-male person. She wasn't entirely sure of the gender.

The person stopped right in front of her and, right when she was about to say "Hi," stole her Monster and chugged it in one go.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!! That was mine!" Sarah exclaimed in outrage.

She lunged at Ayame, who zipped to the side, leaving behind and after-image that Sarah went through. She blinked in confusion, then stared at the real Ayame, who grinned at her like a serial killer.

"…Uh…Dude, what kind of crack are you on?" Sarah asked him.

Ayame took a deep breath and shouted, "OH MY GOD! ILOVETHISSTUFF! IT'SGREAT! IT'SAWESOME!! IT'SCRACKTASTIC!! WHERE'DYOUGETIT? WHAT'SINIT? CANYOUGETMESOME? IWANTMORE!!"

Ayame threw down the Monster can, looked around real quick, and ran off in another direction.

Sarah blinked at Ayame's after-image, then at the empty Monster. "Alright, that's it. I'm swearing off this stuff. No wonder my friends won't let me have it…I'm fucking hallucinating…"

--Somewhere else--

Hatori was pissed. Ayame had been late to the Student council meeting and left him with even more work than normal. In fact, he hadn't seen the dolt since this morning.

"Come to think of it…" Hatori mumbled. "I haven't seen Shigure around either…"

"Shit." Hatori cursed as he bolted out of the Student council room…and into Shigure.

"Oh! Haa-san! I've been looking for you!" Shigure exclaimed.

Hatori sighed with relief. He'd thought the two had been up to no good, painting the school pink, duct- taping people to the ceiling, and the like. "What do you want?"

Shigure gave him a can of Mountain Dew. "Ayame drank this, and it has 46 grams of sugar. I can't find him"

Hatori stared quietly at the can before letting loose a stream of curse words that even Shigure flinched at.

"Okay, time to head to the bunker and wait this out," Hatori said once he'd calmed down. Then, he and Shigure headed to a bomb shelter that was conveniently located on school grounds.

"So long, world! Been nice knowing you!" Shigure called over his shoulder, skipping into the bunker.

--China--

Mei-Lin was walking to the restaurant where she worked, munching on a candy bar. It wasn't that far a walk, considering she had just come out of the candy store next door to the restaurant.

Suddenly, she heard a _whoosh_ sound and looked behind her to see the door to the candy store open. She heard a lot of crashes, glasses shattering, the owner screaming his head off, and the maniacal laughter of what could have been a demon.

Her eyes wide, Mei-Lin turned around, just as the noised stopped, and found herself facing a silver-haired teen whose face was smeared with chocolate and bright colors.

After a few seconds of staring intently at Mei-Lin, he snatched her candy bar, shoved it in his mouth, and swallowed it whole.

He giggled gleefully before sprinting off in another direction. He was soon out of sight, but Mei-Lin could hear the distant sound of glass shattering and people screaming.

--India--

Mr. Raj was a poor farmer from India. Usually, he stayed home to be with his family or to tend his crops. But today, he had decided it would be nice to visit the city.

Now, he was wishing he had never woken up this morning.

The city was in flames, and people were everywhere, running and screaming. Police were also running, but only in an attempt to find the terrorist responsible for the destruction of the capitol.

Suddenly, there was an enormous explosion, and Mr. Raj turned around only to see that the Taj Mahal now had a gaping hole in it. And pouring out of this hole were elephants.

Yes. Elephants.

Mr. Raj ducked into an alley as the stampede of elephants stormed past. There was another explosion, and now the Taj Mahal had a hole in it and was missing its top.

When Mr. Raj peeked around the corner, he was met by a strange sight.

There was a dirty silver-haired boy (whose shirt was now in shreds) riding a Bengal tiger like a horse and chasing the elephants.

The tiger reared up o his hind paws, and the boy screamed, "RUN LIKE THE WIND, BULLSEYE!"

Then the tiger resumed chasing after the elephants, the boy shouting what sounded like "Run, Forrest! Run!"

Mr. Raj stared after them, then sank into a fetal position in the alley.

He really wished he hadn't gotten up this morning.

--France--

France had been ready for him by the tie Ayame had shown up. Their entire army had been at the borders, blocking all chances of getting into the country by land.

Of course, they didn't consider that Ayame would invade them by water.

Ayame was now so full of caffeine, sugar, Swedish chocolate, and German ale, that he literally ran on top of the water all the way to Paris.

Right now, he was at the top-most point of the Eiffel Tower, news helicopters circling him, and what was left of the French army down at the bottom.

Ayame waved insanely at the news cameras in the helicopters, shouting, "Hey, Tori! Tori! Tooorriiii!! Lookit me, lookit me! I'm on that pointy tower thingy!"

He jumped up and down excitedly, earning horrified gasps from the crowd below.

Aaya turned back to the cameras. "Heyheyheyheyhey! Guess what, guys. I CAN FLY!!"

With that, he began to flap his arms like wings and jumped off the Eiffel Tower.

No, he didn't fall down and go splat.

In fact, he was flapping his arms so fast that he actually _did_ begin to fly. He circled around the tower a couple of times, then flew away from France and toward England.

--In the bomb shelter--

Hatori and Shigure breathed a sigh of relief as they watched Ayame fly away on the tv screen. It was set to CNN, so they both knew everything he'd done…including breaking the Great Wall of China and turning the Red Sea pink.

Hatori grabbed a random dictionary and smacked Shigure in the head with it. "Now look what you did. Because of you, millions of kids are going to jump off their roofs, trying to fly."

"But Aaya did it! I didn't make him jump!" Hatori protested, holding his sore head.

"But you gave Ayame Mountain Dew, which made him hyper enough to jump off the fucking Eiffel Tower.

"…yeah, good point…"

--London, England--

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! THAT'S IT! FLEE! FLEE! SCURRY AWAY FROM THE GREATNESS OF AYAME THE SNAKE!!" Ayame screamed from inside the tornado he had created by flying in circles really fast. He was also riding a bike in the tornado, which made him seem like a somewhat-modern Wicked Witch of the West.

London was in ruins.

Big Ben's clock face had long since shattered, raining glass down onto the people below. The minute hand had even pierced a blimp advertising some sport and had made it crash into the Parliament building.

Most of the buildings, especially the tall ones, had been reduced to piles of rubble by Ayame's tornado. The people of London _might_ have retreated to the Underground to get away from the tornado…if Ayame hadn't already managed to fill the entire thing up with sewage and shit.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Ayame had even managed to set fire to the Thames. A fucking river!

"I MUNT DA PRETTY SHINY!!" Ayame crashed his tornado into another building and almost instantly afterward managed to steal all the Royal Crowns, scepters, jewelry, and other 'pretty shinies' within.

Aaya put a rather gaudy and fantastic crown on and watched the Londoners scramble in his wake.

"That's right. Dance…Dance, my puppets! DANCE UNTIL YOU DIIIEE!!" He cackled evilly, but then stopped. Briefly he sobered up and said, "Or at least until you get tired and have to sit down."

Then he resumed laughing and destroying London.

--Ohio, USA--

Two young high school girls were crossing the railroad tracks as they walked to the library. They had just gotten off the phone with their new boss, who had confused the fucking shit out of them.

The brown-haired one noticed a five-dollar bill stuck between the rail and the support beam beneath it. "Money!" she screamed, diving for it.

The slightly shorter red-haired girl, who was slightly ahead of her friend and had already crossed the second set of tracks, turned around in time to see her friend get knocked forward, off the tracks, by a passing silver-haired speed demon on a bike just before a train went speeding along on the track she had been sitting on.

"What the hell was that for?!" The brown-haired girl yelled at the biker, who just kept going, despite her yelling.

"HOLY SHIT!" the red-head yelled. "The railroad lights here suck! You ready to go to the library? We might actually get there before they put away the pocky."

"Pocky? Where?" The brunette jumped up and ran toward the library, her friend following behind.

--California, USA--

The Californians hadn't been all that worried about Ayame's arrival. Really, between putting out fires, getting stuck in traffic, and the 100-degree weather, they didn't have enough time.

Beside, what was the worst he could do? Change the HOLLYWOOD sign and kidnap the governor?

"I'M WALKIN ON SUNSHIIIN! WOOOAAH!! I'M WALKIN OF SUNSHINE! AND DON'T IT FEEL GOOD!! Ayame sang, poorly and loudly, as he zoomed past the HOLLYWOOD sign.

The random tourists who had been looking at it when he passed now stared, completely confused.

The sign no longer said 'HOLLYWOOD.'

Now, it said 'AYAMELAND.'

One woman turned to her husband. "Where did he get the A's and the E's and the N?"

The man shrugged. "I dunno…Let's check Ebay later."

"Oh, buy me the H! That woman from Wisconsin will rub it in my face if she gets it!" the woman said. The Wisconsin woman glared, then told her husband to buy it.

There will be blood on Ebay tonight…

--Bomb shelter--

"Where did the other letters come from?" Shigure asked Hatori, munching on some popcorn.

"Shh!" Hatori hushed him. "Simon Cowell just told Ayame that his singing sucks!'

On the tv, Aaya screeched incredulously, "What did you just say?!"

"I said that you sound like a litter of kittens being drowned. You are an insult to music as we—"

Simon didn't get a chance to finish because Ayame bashed his head in with the H from the HOLLYWOOD sign.

Shigure and Hatori winced in sympathy.

The tv now showed Aaya riding down the Walk of Fame on his bicycle, with a wagon carrying an unconscious Schwarzenegger, a possibly-dead Simon, two O's from the HOLLYWOOD sign, and Elvis Presley's star from the Walk of Fame. He was also now singing 'The Ultimate Showdown.'

Suddenly Ayame turned to the cameraman, which meant that to Shigure and Hatori, he was looking at them.

"Hey, mister! Is this being broadcast worldwide?"

"Yeah…" the cameraman answered. Suddenly Aaya's face was up against the camera.

"HEYHEYHEYHEYHEY!! GUUURREE-CHAAAAN! TOORRIII-CHAAAAN!! I'M COMING HOME NOOOOOWW!!" Ayame shouted. Then the camera suddenly went fuzzy and the tv screen declared that they were having technical difficulties.

Gure and Tori were quiet for a moment before shouting, "FUCK!" in unison.

Before they could start piling things in front of the door someone started pounding frantically on the door.

Shigure looked between the tv and the door. "How did he get here so fast?!"

The tv turned back on. A news reporter said, "This just in: The silver-haired boy who has been terrorizing the world has depleted the USA's supply of Mountain Dew! I repeat: The USA is out of Mountain Dew! That is all." The tv turned itself off.

"Well, that was convenient," Shigure muttered.

The knocking at the door stopped, and immediately afterward, _imploded_. It didn't just get busted down; it blew the fuck up.

Ayame trudged in, dragging his wagon of stuff behind him. He stopped in front of his cousins, not doing anything.

"Aaya?" Shigure asked cautiously. He poked the snake. "You alive?"

Without warning, Ayame glomped them, causing them to fall in a heap on the ground.

"Get off, Ayame!" Hatori ordered, trying to shove Aaya off. When Ayame wouldn't budge, he realized two things:

Ayame's caffeine/sugar high had finally worn off and he was now passed out

Ayame was so thickly coated in sticky drinks, candy, gum, and sugar that the three Sohmas were practically glued together

Hatori sighed, resting his head on one hand; the other was tangled in Ayame's hair, thanks to a wad of gum.

"Shigure?"

Shigure gulped nervously. "Yeah?"

"When Ayame wakes up and we get unstuck, I'm going to kill you."

Shigure raised an eyebrow. "Why are you telling me that you're going to kill me?"

Hatori exploded.

"Just shut up! You're dead!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!"


End file.
